…down and down I fell…..

We last left our fearless jrnygirl in the kitchen conjuring up a raw mish-mash of ingredients. Cauliflower-mush to be precise. The experiment left me a little wary. I thought to myself, “What do I do now?”.

pc I had been searching online for different recipes I could try. I looked at endless pictures and ingredients and each time I came up empty-handed. Well, for actual meals that is. I did bookmark a handful of dessert recipes, but come on now. Was it realistic to make a diet out of strictly desserts and green smoothies?

I so wanted to be like the other girls in the class. I wanted to embrace my inner veggiesaurus and feel the joy they all felt. What was wrong with me?

The more I searched, the more I became discouraged. I thought of all the staple ingredients I had purchased and I had no clue what to do with them. I looked at recipe after recipe trying to hold onto the hope that I would magically fall in love with the smells, the tastes and the textures of each and every glorious vegetable.

I felt miserable. I thought of all the food that I had been eating just weeks before and now all of those were no longer up for consideration. What was I going to eat? 20130605-130403.jpg Mentally, I made note of what I did like. I liked fruit. Okay, that’s a good start. I liked potatoes and corn, but that wasn’t on the list of ingredients for my raw-food journey. Hmmmm…. I did like salads; a small variety of green veggies, but wait. What about the cheese and egg slices and croutons? I was falling out of control.

The adventure I had embarked on now just felt so out of control. Down and down I went tumbling further and further. I felt lost. I felt alone.
I felt…. hungry.

I imagine that from the surface rabbit holes don’t seem very deep and I probably did not fall as far as I thought I did, but I kept my head buried under the sand for a long time. I felt discouragement. 20130605-130338.jpg I felt failure and in order to cope with those feelings, I went into denial. Denial took on many forms. I didn’t recognize it quite at first. I thought to myself if I’m going to be successful at this, I need to slow down and not shock myself into utter confusion.

Take it slow… take it slow. Let’s introduce grains and pastas back into my meals while I continue my search for more vegetable-based recipes. While doing that, I rediscovered the joys of cereal. Sounds silly, yes? I stopped eating cereal quite a few years ago when i discovered that my body no longer tolerated milk like it used to. So instead of regular milk, I tried almond milk with my cereal and it was delicious. Yay!! I felt good. I can eat cereal as an alternative to cauliflower mush!

But then denial turned ugly. It came to me in the form of a hamburger and french fries. It disguised itself as an ice cream cone. Before I knew it, the horror of all horrors happened. My willpower crumbled and I drank a soda. I was in big trouble now and I didn’t care. I threw away all the effort and all the thoughts of being healthy and immersed myself into the same heavy, unhealthy food.

As I sit here typing this blog, I am not proud. I’m feeling unmotivated, sluggish, and most of all fat. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m discouraged. I’m disgusted. I want to screeeeeeeeeeeeeeam! But I won’t.

So, as I pull myself back out of that rabbit hole, what am I going to do? Honestly, I really don’t know. *staring blankly at the screen*

Did I learn anything from this? I learned that making a change to your lifestyle or habits can be very difficult. I know that I need to be more realistic when I set goals. I know that I will never embrace the veggie world like other mere mortals. I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I do know that I am going to brush off the dirt, bid adieu to that rabbit and start all over again.